Armchair Advice




need help desperatly

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 Posted 05 February 2012 01:37:46
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Hi, im new to all this, so plz bare with me.

My husband & I have been married for 17yrs & have 5 children. I love my husband dearly and am terrified we are on the verge of a break up/divorce.

It all started to go wrong when I had a misscarrage 16 years ago. Since then our sexlife went down the pan.... his doing not mine. During my subsequent pregnancies he has never been near me in any way shape or form. Our youngest child is now 5, & i can count on 1 hand how many times we have had sex in the last 6 years.

I have brought up the subject many times, stating that it doesn't have to be full intercourse but a kiss & cuddle wouldn't go a miss. He always puts it down to work, kids or life being to busy in general, now his lastest answer was hes past it at 43.

Dont get me wrong, I know sex is not the be all & end all of a relationship, but its a big part.

I dont know what else to do/try. I have even asked him if hes still intrested in me in that way, he says he is but nothing changes. What do I do now.

Please any advise is greatly appreciated.

kind regards a desperate piglet x
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 Posted 05 February 2012 15:24:05
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Various factors might be at work here....

First of all it would be a good idea to get any medical reason out the way.
He might be suffering from any kinds of physical problems, and there may be associated medical reasons causing disinterest or even inability.
secondly, he may need counselling, if he has been emotionally affected by things that have happened in the past.
He could have depression.
5 kids is a lot to have to support. 
Maybe things are getting to him....
That said, you can't cite the miscarriage as a justifiable reason, if you've had children since. 

They do say, when the sex is ok, it's 5% of the relationship, and when it isn't it's 95% of the relationship.
You need to talk him into going to counselling.
how likely that would be, I don't know, but suggest to him that it's better than what you see coming, as an alternative - a separation or a divorce.
which he should try to avoid, if he doesn't want to end up simply playing a supporting role to his kids - both emotionally and financially.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
There can be no Peace, Joy or Contentment in your heart, if the things you say are different to the things you do.

The one who cares the least,  controls the most.

Never settle for being an option, when you know you should be the priority.


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 Posted 06 February 2012 00:12:48
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I have today suggested us seeing somebody to try & help. His reply was he doesn't have anything to say.

There is no medical reason for him not be able to perform or want to, thats what he's telling me anyway.

Where do i go from here???????

Its coming across as he doesn't have a problem, the problems are mine & mine alone.

I have spoken to some friends who all seem to ask if it aint medical then what is wrong. If he hears I've spoken to friends he gets all moody telling me its no ones buisness but ours.

Even my eldest child is picking up on things aint right. Even telling him if I had a neon sign above my head saying " I'm here" then he wouldn't see it.

I'm so confussed, & scared I'm losing the only person I have really loved.
Post #22587
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 Posted 06 February 2012 08:36:42
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Words are obviously having no effect.
Actions will have to suffice.
Get a free half-hour appointment with several solicitors, tell them your situation, and go with the one you feel would serve you best.
then file for divorce.

that's your only option.
at the moment he only hears you as a nuisance.
Let his see just how strong you can be.

You gave birth and brought kids up - right?
Women have hidden reserves.
Time to reveal yours. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
There can be no Peace, Joy or Contentment in your heart, if the things you say are different to the things you do.

The one who cares the least,  controls the most.

Never settle for being an option, when you know you should be the priority.


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 Posted 06 February 2012 21:51:59
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Hi

First of all I can hear your desperation so good luck.

At the risk of being flippant (forgive me) I liked your first line.   'Weve been married for 17 years and it all started to go down the pan 16 years ago'.............Didnt seem a good start !     Seriously though, I do know how heartbreaking a miscarriage can be.  

I haven't any answers but communication is the key.
Obvious I know but you must find a way through the barrier to identify any problem.

All the best.
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 Posted 10 February 2012 21:14:20
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Hi,

The problem is not yours, it's his. It sounds like he doesn't want to face up to it, and you have not forced the issue. I'm not a doctor but it doesn't seem like a physical problem given that you do have children, and assuming that on the few occasions it has happened everything has worked ok! He must love you given that you have been together so long, and I would have though that if he no longer found you physically attractive you would have got the message somehow. Maybe there is something more complicated at work, or maybe he just has a very low sex drive. However he has to accept that he cannot expect you to live without sex for the rest of your life and that he is being selfish in not facing up to the issue. I think you are going to have to confront him and force the issue. If he is refusing to see a counsellor it may be that you have to resort to an ultimatum. Either that or decide to live with the situation, but clearly you are not happy with it.
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